By Andrew Malcolm,
Funeral Directors
Association President

Our family had quite a “shift”
week in October.
Some of you at the AGM may have
known that our daughter, Jacqui,
recently gave birth to twins at just
22 weeks’ gestation. While they
initially showed promising signs,
things quickly took a turn. One
complication followed another, and
after 13 cherished days with these
two beautiful souls, they passed away
on Tuesday the 22nd, at Wellington’s
Neonatal ICU. This was when the
“shift” truly hit the fan for us.

Our immediate family came together,
sharing a day and evening filled with
support and reflection. The following
day, we gathered at our Kapiti
Crematorium for a quiet farewell.
Jacqui asked me to change out of my
“work clothes” and into jeans and a
T-shirt before heading there at 4pm.
Our crematorium chapel, with its
view over the valley to the ocean and
distant island, felt like the perfect,
secluded place for such an intimate
moment.

When we arrived, my team had
thoughtfully prepared flowers in soft
purples and pinks, accompanied by
matching candles. They checked in to
make sure it felt right for us, which
meant a lot. Earlier in the day, we
had prepared a small casket, and I
guided Jacqui and her partner, Angus,
through the process. Together, they
carefully lined the casket – one side
pink, the other purple.
Although Jacqui and Angus didn’t
want a formal service (sound
familiar?), we naturally created a
meaningful ceremony as we gathered
in the chapel. We shared stories,
cried, paused, talked some more,
and wept again. Gently, we placed
flowers inside the casket, surrounding
the twins, and together, we closed
it. Afterward, just Jacqui and Angus
walked with me into the cremator
room, while the rest of the family –
and even the dogs – waited outside.

WHY SHARE THIS?
I share this experience because I
believe it offers a glimpse of what
the future of the funeral profession
might look like – a blueprint, if you
will. We’ve already noticed some
significant shifts in the way families
engage with farewells. Those
who embrace these changes are
positioning themselves to thrive.

Based on what we experienced, here
are five things you can explore, if you
aren’t already:

1 Offer gatherings, not just services
Shift the conversation away
from services. Focus instead on
facilitating meaningful gatherings.
2 Facilitate as a guide, rather than
a funeral director. Be comfortable
stepping away from the front
of the room. Act more like a
master of ceremonies or guide,
gently leading the family through
moments, whether that’s placing
flowers, sharing memories, or
pausing in silence. A sense of
ceremony.
3 Adapt your dress code
Have you ever asked families
how they’d like you to dress?
Sometimes dressing down
can make everyone feel more
comfortable.
4 Practice empathy, not just
sympathy. Be willing to laugh and
cry alongside families, sharing
those real emotions.
5 Invite family participation in
unexpected ways. Involve them in
preparing or decorating the casket.
Invite them into the cremation
process if they wish; always have
small touches on hand – flowers,
candles, or keepsake pens – ready
for them to use.

A NEW KIND OF FUNERAL
DIRECTOR
To stay relevant, we must evolve
with the changing needs of our
communities. The future belongs to
those who embrace flexibility and
creativity in their approach. Some
among us are already moving in
this direction, and they are setting
themselves up for sustainable
success.
The key for our profession is to keep
looking forward, not back. AGM
meetings, district training days, and
conferences are perfect opportunities
to connect, share ideas, and explore
what is next. I encourage you to join
us at the association conference in
Nelson, from February 10-12. It’s
the ideal place to exchange insights,
gather inspiration, and plan for a
future where we stay ready, no matter
when the “shift” hits the fan.