I’ve told this story, so two of you have heard it, but I have a good example. Two funerals where they just wanted promotion and didn’t want a funeral. This one was a fellow who had no family, he had one friend, and so what’s the point of having a funeral? The lawyer said he’s also got no money, he was a drunkard and a gambler, and even the RSA won’t let him in the doors anymore.
And his one friend had stood by him, and I knew who he was, and the lawyer said, just promote him, he’s got no money, but cheap as possible. But I knew that friend needed something. So I said to the friend, we’re going to the crematorium tomorrow at 10.
There’s no money for a funeral. And he said, I don’t want anywhere, I don’t care, I’m not coming. I said, no, that’s fine, but I will be outside the funeral home leaving at 10 o’clock.
So if you’re able to be there, I’d really like it, because I’d know you’re able to say goodbye. He goes, oh yes, whatever. Was he going to turn up? Not sure.
10 to 10, he turns up, we’re in his full military gear. He’s saying, I don’t need that stuff. And yet he got himself dressed up visually to go and do something, because he needed to kinaesthetically do something.
And when he got there, I met him outside, he goes, oh where did you go now? And I said, I left the back of the hearse open, and I had a cardboard casket in there, but with a flag over it. And next to the open door I had a poppy sitting there. I said, look, I’m just going to pop inside for a minute, because I need to do something.
Can I leave you outside for a few minutes? And he goes, yep, yep. So we stood there, as I walked inside, I turned the outside speakers on, and I played the last post. He did the whole routine of standing to attention, standing at ease, placing the poppy, saluting.
And as I walked out, there was a tear running down his face. And he shook my hand in a way that was the best hug I’d ever had. And for him, I’d created a farewell.
But if I’d just listened to what the lawyer said, and actually listened to what he said, I would have done nothing. So sometimes you’ve got to be a bit creative. The other one I like to tell is, not long after our crematorium opened, this is a view from our deck.
That’s the top of the island. Looks down over the ocean. It’s a beautiful spot up in the cemetery.
And this lady died who, again, had some family in the UK, but no one in New Zealand. She also had two friends, and she spent a lot of time with those friends. And so I was instructed to go and arrange the funeral with them.
And they said, oh, we don’t need anything. You know, just have her cremated. And I said, we need to do something for you.
You tell me what she would have liked and what you would like. And we got talking, and after a while they said one of the things she really loved was having a really nice glass of wine and eating really nice food. You know, I meant canapes and things like that.
She was quite posh. And in fact, they also loved, whenever there was a good sunset, they’d sneak down and take a bottle of wine and sit up on the sand hill and watch the sunset. So I said, why don’t we watch the sunset at the crematorium? And they said, oh, you can’t do that.
And I said, why not? It’s our crematorium. We can do what we like. I mean, unlike some of the city crematoriums that are restricted on hours and so forth, it’s ours.
We can do whatever we like. So we booked the cremation for a couple of days’ time. We organized some nice wine and some nice food.
There was only the two of them and me. So there was only three of us up there. And the deceased, unfortunately.
And when we, that afternoon, it was raining and gray and horrible. So we rang each other, and I said, let’s put it off for a day.
We don’t have to do it today.
This is just the three of us. So we put it off. I can’t remember if it was a day or two.
So there was a beautiful sunset. This was the sunset. As we stood outside, we raised our glasses to her.
They had some lovely food. They yakked for about three quarters of an hour. I thought I was then going to go home.
But then they came inside because it got a bit cold and sat down, pulled up some chairs, and talked for another hour and a half. But that’s what they needed to do. So sometimes being creative, being visual and kinesthetic and auditory.
So for them, the visual was seeing the sunset. The kinesthetic was actually going up and being there with food and her. She was present.
She was present. And, of course, the auditory was the speaking. So they managed to share.
Sorry? Where was the lady? Oh, we actually put her outside. Oh, really? Yeah, we actually put her outside with us. So we were standing around her.
I had a funeral the other day, but they wanted a promotion first, and then they were just going to have a cup of tea in our lounge. And I said, you can, but why not have her there with you? Oh, we don’t want a funeral. I said, no, just have your cup of tea, but have her in the lounge.
And the way our lounge is slightly separate than our foyer. So she was in the foyer because sometimes Maori Tanga says no food. But it worked because she was like being just out there.
So people could eat and then go out and talk to her. And there was always someone talking to her and circling around. Yeah, that’s quite a special one.
So the A to Z process. Now, before I do that, I talked about the fact that we have to do see and hear. So an example I gave before and I’ll use again is if someone is going to visit someone to see a deceased person, if they’re quite visual.
And these are, I mentioned three people, a very visually strong person, a very auditory strong person, and a very kinesthetically strong person. They’ve all decided to go and see a deceased. The first one’s visual.
When they come in, what are they going to do? See if their hair’s tidy, their clothes are put on right. Yes, exactly. Is their makeup right? Is the right colouring of their braces? Yep, and they’ll even comment about the paintings she’s got on the walls, the colour of her furniture, you know, the casket.
Yes, the casket’s perfect. Just she loves purple, that’s perfect. Or that casket’s dark mahogany.
It’s not very good. I don’t like that based on that one. Yeah, that’s it.
You’ve got it. Exactly. So, our auditory person.
When they come in, what are they going to do? Listen to music. Yep, you’ve got opera music on. She hated opera, she loved jazz.
And they’ll start talking to you. And if you leave, they’ll talk to the deceased. Because they need to hear what’s going on.
Even if they’re not a great talker, they’ll still speak because they need to hear it. What about the kinesthetic person? What will they do? Touch the wood? Touch the casket? Touch the deceased? Yep, yep. My uncle died, Dad’s brother.
He died at home quite suddenly. He was due to go on hospice on Monday and had a big party on Saturday. Died early hours of Sunday morning.
It wasn’t from the party. But Dad stayed with him and he rang me. I was staying at a friend’s in Auckland, around the North Shore.
And he said, can you come round? I think Alan’s dead. And I said, well, is he or isn’t he? And he said, well, I think he might have just died, but I’m not sure. I said, I’ll be there soon.
And I left it for half an hour. I went really slow and had to come to him. It’s not as he did.
First thing I did, because I’m quite kinesthetic or tactile, is I walked straight up to him and I grabbed his hand. And then he went, oh, sorry, Alan, because he’s not. He was not kinesthetic.
So to do that to him, you’re right shaking your hand, but you’re not holding his hand like that. You’re just like, ew. But for me, it was natural just to go and grab his hand.
Because I’m quite tactile. So in a crisis, we are all these three things. We function on all those three levels.
But in a crisis, like with Uncle Alan, sorry, finally you’re not Uncle Alan, with Uncle Alan, I went into that mode of tactile because that’s what I do in a crisis. What are you in a crisis? You’re visual, auditory. So if you go into a funeral and someone says, what a wonderful casket that was, or what beautiful flowers, would you go, I don’t remember what color the flowers were.
Or would you go, oh, yeah, they were blue, green, and orange. Or would you be the person who remembers the stories that were told? Or would you go, oh, that beautiful lavender they had at the end, I was able to put on the casket and I said goodbye and did something. And someone would go, were there flowers at the end? Because they’re not tactile.
Did you get where I’m coming from? So who thinks they’re visual, quite strongly visual? Anybody? One, two? I’m all three. Yeah, we are all three, but in a crisis, what one comes forward, what one lifts the most? All visual? Okay, so who’s the visual ones? Think. Okay, can you put your hand over your mouth just so you don’t speak when I ask this question? And then put your hand up if you know the answer.
What two colors were my tie? Blue and gold. Yes, blue and gold. Would you have said the same? I’ve said yes.
You’ve said yes? Of course. I should have changed my tie length or something. So interesting, you are very visual, whether you like it or not.
Because sometimes we have, sometimes we are these things and we don’t know it. I’ve told this story again most of them, about the Scots lady that I love, that she’d been brought up, that she did not touch. And she was a spinster lady and she never touched as what she did.
And at her brother’s funeral, everyone kept hugging her. She said to me afterwards that I recorded, which I did, because she said I didn’t hear anything. All I was sitting there going was, why do people keep hugging people? And at the end she realised she really liked it.
And since then she’s become a huge hugger. She’ll see me across the supermarket, run over and give me this big hug. But she wasn’t, she thought she wasn’t a touch person because she’d been taught that way.
So who is auditory? Who thinks auditory is a strong point? Anybody? Mostly people are auditory that say the answer without putting their hand up. So how many children do they have? Four. Five.
Who said five? I did. Yeah, so auditory is quite strong, isn’t it? Four. Yes, it was five.
Okay, and last… One wasn’t in the photo. Yeah, yeah, one wasn’t in the photo. No, that’s fine, I can answer that.
Okay, last auditory question. How old was my granddad when he died walking off the beach? Ninety-five. So someone who’s really strongly auditory will get the fact exactly right, not, you know, slightly.
We’ve covered the auditory, kinesthetic, visual. That’s our little example for you. It’s quite useful, isn’t it? And the reason that example is so useful is because we as people, when we’re grieving and when we look at funerals, we often look at it from our own perspective.
So, for instance, I had a funeral just recently where the daughter was arranging the funeral. Everything was about how the music was, it was all about sound. Who was speaking, they weren’t speaking too long, that she vetted what they were going to say, it was all about sound.
When the brother turned up, he stood at the back of the church, it was a church, not our chapel, and he goes, oh my gosh, official pollution. And I clicked straight away to what he was talking about. There were cords lying in the rear, the drum kit was all messy, it wasn’t tidy.
But the daughter didn’t see that. All she heard was the music and was worried about what was going to be said. So to try and include all those three things is really important.
And that’s why when people say, I don’t need a funeral, but what’s important for those who need to grieve? How do they need to grieve? What do they need to hear? What do they need to see? And what do they need to do to help them grieve? So I think that’s about it.
